We at KANO/APPS are committed to saving Victoria, and the world in general, from the inevitable zombie apocalypse we all know is inevitably going down in 2012. It’s never too early to prepare, and since we’re something of zombie experts, having conducted in-depth research and hands-on training with our game Zombie Slayer, we thought we’d share some of our knowledge with you, for when the undead come knocking.
Us Vancouver Island residents are uniquely screwed in the event of zombie hordes. When quick escape is vital and confined, crowded areas are zombie breeding grounds, ferries aren’t the smartest approach. And why are you so eager to leave the Island, anyways? Relatively speaking, an island full of zombies is easier to deal with than a whole continent of those jerks. So, for those of us trapped in lovely, foggy, spooky Victoria, BC, here are some basic DOs and DONTs in the event of an undead uprising. Ahead lies a totally useful, in no way fictional beginner’s guide.
DO – Confirm You Are Not A Zombie
Did you read that question? Good sign. If you can read, probably not a zombie.
DON’T – Be Kind
Nice guys finish last. Helping someone out is asking for a knife in the back. So harden up.
DO – Commute By Bike
Sure, back in the day you made fun of those spandex-clad nerds on their high-performance cycles. But times have changed. You know what cars run out of? Gas. Your little gams can go forever, given the proper motivation (ie: zombie horde). A solid cross country bike is your new best friend. Don’t forget some tools and a couple extra tubes.
DON’T – Make Fun Of Zombies
It upsets them.
DO – Count On Blades, Not Bullets
Gun out of ammo = you out of brains. Blades never run out, although they do need sharpening now and again, which is why axes are your best bet. Lumberjacks have been doing it for centuries, keeping their skills fresh on tree trunks while they bide their time for the zompocalypse.
DON’T – Panic
*SLAP* Pull yourself together, already. Just because zombies eat brains doesn’t mean you need to lose yours.
DO – Chill Out, Bro
Relax. Sure, it’s a zombie apocalypse, but look at the silver lining, enjoy the little things. That guy that cut you off in traffic the other day? Probably had his brain eaten. Silver. Lining.